“Hello gents. After reading some of the serous shit you blokes have been up to I felt compelled to share my story too!

Now it’s not for the faint hearted but I can guarantee you it will brighten your day. I’d like to dedicate this story to all that have served through war, peace and total shenanigans.

Lest we forget our mates always…

Situation:

I joined the Australian Army at the age of 22 in 1994, I was allocated to the Royal Australian Artillery as a Gunner. The unit I was posted to was the 8/12 Medium Regt 103rd Medium Battery which operated the mighty M198s located in Holsworthy NSW Australia.

Like most of you men at an early age all I ever wanted to do was to be a soldier, my Dad and both brothers were and so now it was my time to shine. As soldier’s they require lots of training hard work mostly conducting exercises and raining for war or in some cases just being fu*ked round.

One of these such exercise’s was in a place called Shoalwater Bay a Coastal tropical range with huge bush land. It was mostly a dry and dusty place until the wet season came and torrential rains turned it all into a complete shit fight.

It was about October-November 1995 And After 5 weeks of digging in shell scrapes constantly moving bringing our guns into and out of action, we were dirty wet tired and exhausted men really utterly morale-less.

Yes, you know that kind of feeling .

Our gun which was called ‘Echo’ and had unfortunately bore the brunt of this c*nt ass fu*kery as our bombardier had just been promoted and so he was hell bent on completing he’s class act in bastardy…to the point that he’s own lance bombardier tried to impale him with a star picket (by accident of course)..??

Anyway I too had enough of his shit and the whole fu*king exercise, so thus began scheming mostly during picket on how to get square with all this fuckery.

AKA let off some steam bombarder Bennett?

Anyway during the last few days of the Ex one of our subbys (junior officers) Let’s call him Lieutenant Dan, a fucken top bloke by the way had came up with the idea to streak right across the gun position’s.

We all started laughing at the idea because we were fully tactical and in a live fire gun position.

Mission:

Nobody thought Anyone let alone me would accept this challenge. We all sat there laughing like a bunch of 5 years olds at a puppet show. I imagined what if I could make the whole gun battery feel as happy as we were! Now you see just a minute ago we all looked as if we had eaten a bowl of cat shit, infact it was kind of like that for the whole ex.
Now everyone was so happy!

The LT smiled, ‘Hey Northey, if you do it I’ll be your defending officer at your charge!’He snickered. Well how could I refuse!? We all knew that’s what would most likely happen, I mean a live gun position we only finished firing 5 mins ago.

Then I imagined the glory streaking though a battery during a fire mission! The accolades oh the accolades?! Mmm? people would tell stories about me to their grandchildren…and great grand children! But was it really worth going to the cells, stoppage of pay and possibly all of the extras in the world!? Well I thought about that for half a second.

‘Sir your on.’

Execution:

The fellas started pissing them selfs laughing uncontrollably. I calmly and slowly disrobed and prepared for battle stripping away my webbing, Cams and rifle to just boots and a Bush hat!

‘Fu*k off he’s really doing it!’ they muttered giggling like little school girls. I’m not lying when I say that these men were laughing so hard absolutely crying with anticipation! It was drunken silly stewpot one bloke actually pissed himself and with all that idiot-like banter going on.

I’d lost surprise….as the command post went off at the noise due to the tactical nature of our position. Noise disturbance! Pfft that would be the last thing on the BC’s
(Battery Commander) mind after this bloody stunt!

I would have no more of tactics or green shit, because I was on a mission a mission of morale primed and ready to go over the top!
I was totally naked but armed to the teeth with a wicked sense of Aussie humour…and thus didn’t need anything more.

I began my attack at dusk during stand-to for added reality. My cock spinning around like around like a rotor blade on an attack helicopter. I felt totally invincible.. by all accounts it was quite a hot day.

Sprinting from gun to gun I thought about assault the Command Post and even a secondary mission to hit the forward observer elements but unfortunately they were miles away.

Disaster struck early on After passing the 3rd gun ‘Bravo’. A group of men commenced a flanking attack at first about 3 blokes then 7 or 8. Thus being massively out numbered almost 10-1. I had to abort my attack, and make for a tactical withdrawal.

However it was far to late for me..
‘Kill him!’ Kill that c*nt!’ they yelled. I then reassured myself that Bravo gun weren’t taking prisoners and so turned back heading for home. Bravo were closing fast full of mockery and furious anger.

It was unknown to me but the good old Bravo gun Sgt had told this gun crew that a crazed homos**ual had attacked a infantryman in our AO a few nights ago.

It was just a dumb BS story for the new guys, but guess It had a lasting affect on them, because they currently weren’t happy campers!

After running through the lime green with my cock spinning out off control’ one of these boys crash tackled me. Like he was conducting a match saving tackle…at a grand final. And so I hit the ground like a 1000 pound bomb! I bravely tried to escape his clutches with only one leg fully operational.

Gravely wounded I failed to escape as the whole battery swarmed enveloping me like bees on honey! I mean I felt like that guy in the movie Platoon trying to run for that chopper it was so tragic! The man that tackled me and rearranged my leg was Jordo the regiments No 1 prop forward for our rugby side and possibly the last guy I wanted to run into.

The kangaroo court commenced like Comanches on general George Custer. Flurry’s of punches kicks, knees and even some wicked laugher… was brought to bare!

Bastards.

After much hard heart ache, covered in dirt, blood and many bruises plus a dick hole full of gravel, I was finally recognised by someone eye gouging me. ‘It’s Bully!’ Everyone started pissing themselves with laughter. I was released from the onslaught. ‘You mad c*nt Northey, what the fu*k are you doing mate?!’

‘Trying to make you c*nts happy!’ I said.

Administrations and Logistics :

My pride undiminished I was then marched off to see the Battery commander in the CP. Walking up to face the boss like a war criminal at the Haig and with the whole gun battery in stitches.

Some prick had the gall to yell out to me, ‘Where’s your rifle, c*nt?’

And with that the whole CP started laughing. The boss was still angry but much to my surprise let me go! The fact was after it was over they were all laughing.

Command and Signal:

Mission accomplished! I know many a soldier has given his life for his mates, buddy’s and comrades, Queen and country. But a dick full off gravel?

That as got to be just as good if not better.
The motto is this: Morale is always worth a dick full of gravel…So don’t ever forget that!

Now every Anzac Day my beloved mates remind me of that act of valour back in 95 with a whoop whoop whoop and few cold beer’s.”
– Greg Northy. Australian Army. 8/12 Medium Regt 103 Medium Battery. 1995